"Let go, let go because there is beauty in the breakdown."

Well it's been about 3 weeks since I left Alaska and re-entered the "Real World." I wanted to post some last thoughts and reflections on this summer.

When I decided to go I wanted an escape, a total departure from what had become my norm. I wanted to heal, to explore and to laugh again. Alaska was for me what has been for thousands before me, a challenge. What you discover when you get there is that it's never really the land or the elements that challenge you, it's you.

I went to Alaska to find something, maybe it was myself, or maybe it was hope. Last year was by far the most painful and stressful I've had in a very long time. I fought to save something that I thought I couldn't live without. I have lost that thing twice now and I'm still alive; hell I'm even happy. Last year my abilities were called into question and doubted, in turn I doubted myself. Alaska was God's answer to my doubts. I showed myself what I knew I could do all along. I can go, on my own, to a new place and make friends, have adventures and be whole. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I allowed someone to make me feel less than worthwhile. Alaska was my choice to remind me of my own worth.

People always talk about a discovery of themselves, as though they suddenly stumbled upon someone they'd never known before. My journey was not one of discovery but of confirmation. My summer in Alaska confirmed for me things I had come to doubt in the past year. The biggest blessing from this summer was I stopped feeling like I had to have a plan. I spent the past year frantic over what was going to come next and feeling desperate that I needed a plan. In Alaska God granted me an amazing peace and I no longer felt desperate over the future. I instead spent my summer saying "yeah I don't know what I'm doing next." It's very freeing to go where the wind takes you and enjoy the ride.

So my permafrost summer has come to an end and I walk away a more complete version of what God made me. I take with me lessons in love, life and how to make great meals with ramen.
Blessings in disguise are still blessings despite the disguise they wear.
Trust your gut, if it's been right before it'll be right again.
The old homage of the sun rising again is true, cliche but true.
What you think you want may not be what you need.
Truth hurts but truthful cuts heal faster than cuts from lies.
I'll always be ok because I'm loved and I have faith.

I miss Alaska, I miss waking up to the Mountains outside my door. I dearly miss my friends that made me laugh and ventured into the great unknown with me. The transition back to California has been rough, I went from kayaking in Seward in 50 degree weather to Los Angeles in 90 degrees. The crowds, traffic, BART and weather are all hard to get used to again. I am back at my old job, working for the retinal doctor. The girl that I trained to replace me is on maternity leave so I am filling for about a month. I look forward to my weekends in Ukiah where Mom and Dad are living now, it's a small town without crowds or traffic. It's easier to adjust to life there than it is to life back in the Bay Area.

Within a few days of returning I had a job offer from Beaver Creek Resort in Colorado which I took. I'll be working for the transportation department as a shuttle driver. There is a large contingent of folks I know from Denali that work there so that's nice. More than anything I am excited to ski as much as humanly possible and ice climb! When I'm not doing that I'll be busy applying to Graduate school. Earlier this year I realized that Architecture is what I want to pursue. I'm really interested in Sustainable Design and now is a great time to be involved in that movement. I'm applying all over the west coast, from Berkeley to Vancouver. I spend my hour long train commutes to work studing for the GRE which I'll take in October. I leave for Colorado the beginning of November and will be there until the end of March.

Finally I have to say Thank You to all of you who followed me on my adventure this summer. I loved reading your comments and I hoped you enjoyed reading this blog. Please make sure you check out the last sets of photos I posted on my Flickr account and feel free to leave comments there as well. If there is anything you love I am selling prints in custom sizes so just pop me a quick email!

PHOTOS

Last Days in Alaska

Ok so I'm finally getting these last entries up.  Well my last days in Alaska were crazy as was the whole summer.  I caught the train on Tuesday and got to Anchorage 8 hours later.  The train ride was great, I couldn't keep in the tears though, I defiantly cried a bit about leaving Denali.  It didn't last long though, feeling the wind in my hair on the train always calms me.  The ride was awesome, I treated myself to lunch and dinner on the train  but mostly I stayed on the balcony and took pictures.  

After getting to Anchorage I made my way to the hostel and checked it for the night.  I had planned on renting a car the next day and driving to Seward but that didn't end up working out.  It was for the best actually, I spent the next day in Anchorage wandering around, mailing things, re-packing and doing last minute souvenir shopping.  The next day I caught the Park Connection Bus to Seward at 7am and enjoyed a beautiful ride down the Seward Highway.  We got really lucky and saw the Bore Tide which is a wave that occurs once every 12 hours in the Turnigan Arm.  It's a wave that is created by the outgoing tide going under the incoming tide.  Our bus driver pulled over and let us listen to the wave go by.  It was amazing how loud it was!  It was only about 6 feet high but it sounded like a freight train.  It was overcast and forecasted to rain in Seward so I was a bit apprehensive about what my kayaking trip would be like.  Fortunately though the clouds broke up and I had sunshine in Seward!

I got to Miller's Landing where I was taking my guided kayak tour.  The guides told us that this was the nicest day they'd seen in a week.  We headed out in the water taxi to Kayakers Cove.  We kayaked for 5 hours in and out of different coves to where we met the Water Taxi again.  Kayaking in Seward was the one thing I promised myself I would do this summer and I finally did it!  We had a great time, we saw huge jelly fish, seastars, urchins, Comerants, Bald Eagles, Golden Eagles, and lots of spawning salmon.  The one thing I really wanted to see was a close up sea otter, I didn't get to see that but the day was so gorgeous and the water so calm I can not complain.  

At the end of the trip I could barely paddle anymore, my arms were so tired and my back was sore.  I think it took twice as long to cover the same distance at the end.  We had a great group though, there was a couple from Hawaii on vacation and then a female pilot on her vacation too.  Our guide was very knowledgeable and eager to show us neat places.  He took us up into alot of coves and back into streams were you could literally reach down and grab a salmon (seriously a guy next to us did it!).  The neatest part was how many Bald Eagles and Golden Eagles we saw.  We were literally 5 feet from a Golden Eagle, he was just hanging out on a branch over the water checking us out.

After the kayaking trip I got back on the Park Connection Bus back to Anchorage.  I was exhausted and just spent a lot of time watching the scenery go back.  I got to see a group of Beluga whales too!  They were something else, they are really white and when you see them they are hard to miss. The bus dropped me off at the airport and I proceeded to equal out the weights in my two bags and get checked in for my flight.  My sinuses started misbehaving so I took some benadryl and proceed to sleep the entire flight to Seattle.  I also slept most of the flight to Burbank as well which makes for the best way to fly!  

Being back in civilization was very strange and overwhelming.  I was exhausted and had a full blown sinus infection so sleep was the main thing on my mind.  The next day was my cousin Pam's wedding, which was a nice distraction.  It was great to see all my family and celebrate with them.  I missed Alaska and my friends though.  After the weekend I headed up to Ukiah with Mom and Dad, back to the real world I guess.

Make sure to check out the photos from Seward!

PHOTOS

Kantishna

Sorry I didn't get this updated sooner, I've now left Alaska and it's been a whirlwind! Before I post about what I've been doing since I left I have to tell you about my last few days in Alaska. My last full day in Denali was spent on a VTS shuttle headed all the way to the end of the park road. My friendS, Nate, Alexa and I all boarded the bus at 8am. It was a gorgeous day at the park entrance so we hoped that it would be the same throughout the park. Our bus driver was named Chuck and he has worked as a driver in the park for 20+ years. I always love listening to the drivers talk about thier experiences in the park. We were lucky in that the group of people on our bus were very talkative and asked lots of questions. At mile 12 we saw the mountain, it was out clear as a bell! I got so excitied because the skies were clear and it looked like we had a shot at seeing the mountain on our whole ride! Chuck stopped at what he called his "secret stops" to let us take pictures.



This whole summer I've been thwarted by the weather and had never seen the mountain from any further in than mile 15. It figures that on my last day in the park I would finally get to see the mountain from a closer distance. The next thing I was crossing my fingers for was a bear on the road, and what do you know?! I GOT IT! Just after Sable Pass we were all looking at a bear off to the side of the bus and then someone spotted one on the road ahead of us. This Grizzly was just strolling along and we were able to come right up on him and park the bus within a few feet of him. I managed to get a full frame photo of his face looking back at me. We hung out with him for a good half an hour before he left the road and wandered off into the wilderness.

The other amazing thing that was occuring in the park was fall. The tundra had gone from green to red and yellow. It's an amazing thing to behold, for miles and miles ahead of you all you can see is a carpet of red. Many of the birch and aspens had begun to change also and were taking on thier mind blowing yellow glow. Nate and I had gone hiking around Savage River a few nights prior and the mountain had come out then but it was a great chance for us to really see the change of color in the park. As we drove further down the park road you could see that peak had just barely come and gone in some places. But the most amazing part was that the mountain was still out! We pulled over Stony Overlook which is the best place on the park road to view the mountain, at that milepost you can actually see the mountain base to summit in good weather. Oh boy did we have good weather! I think Chuck, our driver, made the best comment about the mountain, and he may have been quoting someone else but I can't remember. He said that Denali is captures your gaze and doesn't let you go but it's not a beautiful mountain. Something that is beautiful comforts you to look at and makes you feel at peace. Denali does not do either of these things. It is rugged and dangerous looking, it doesn't give you peace but it does hold your gaze. I understand now better than ever why this mountain draws so many, not just to climb it but also just to see it. We arrived at Eieleson and the mountain was still there! I am so pleased with all the photos that I got of it, it's going to take me a while to figure out what to post!

I had hoped that the mountain would stay clear all the way to Wonder Lake however the summit started to cloud up after we left Eielson. I was still able to get some nice photos though. Wonder Lake was really neat, it's this long lake 24 miles from the base of the mountain and many Mountaineers starting place for climbing the mountain. During our rest stop there I went and picked blueberries, oh they were so yummy! I'm sorry but nothing compares to a freshly picked wild blueberry, you gotta try it sometime. At this point we'd been on the bus for 6 hours and were starting to get a but drowsy and I definatly feel asleep on the way to Kantishna.

When we arrived in Kantishna we stopped by Fanny Quigley's House, which is a historical site. Fanny Quigley is famous woman in Alaskan history. She left an abusive husband in the dead of night pulling her own dog sled because she didn't want the dogs to wake her husband. She followed the gold rushes and would set up her tent and stove and sell her food to the miners. She came to Kantinshna during the short lived gold rush and fell inlove with it. Kantishna was where she and her husband Joe remained until thier deaths. The dinner theather we had at our hotel was based around her and her husband's lives in Kantishna.

After leaving Kantishna we had a beautiful drive out of the park and back to the WAC. It turns out that is was Chuck's last day driving for the season, he said that it was by far the best day he'd had in the park this summer and made his Top 10 all time drives into the park. I thought it was fitting that on my last trip into the park it was also his.

We were all exhausted when we got back and as much as I want to just sleep I had to start my packing. I had boxed up most of my larger items for mailing but since it was labor day weekend I couldn't mail them until the day I was going to leave.

I left Denali on the train on Tuesday afternoon. My departure was not as releaxed as I had imagined because well if you know me you know I don't pack light and I suffer from procrastination. My last night in Denali my friends and I went to the Crow's Nest to help them celebrate thier closing. It was packed and noisy so we hung out outside. Then my friend Mindy got a call from one of the Jeep Safari guys saying the Northern Lights were out. So we all headed out see them. We were treated to a very fuzzy but unmistakable show of lights. The lights aren't out until about 1:30 in the morning so you can imagine I didn't get up as early as I wanted the next day. But the important thing is that I made the train!

Leaving Denali was so bittersweet. I was happy to be done with the job but hated to leave my wonderful friends. I still have to talk about what I did before I left Alaska so I will save my musings on this summer for the very last post. I will post the photos from my last trip into the park tonight so please look and enjoy!

PHOTOS!

State Fair

Hiddy Ho!

I didn't update this earlier but last weekend I went to the Alaska State Fair with the usual suspects.  We left Saturday afternoon and headed for Hatcher Pass which is by Willow Alaska.  It's an unpaved road similar to the Denali Highway.  It goes through some former gold mining areas and has some amazing views.

We've absolutely lucked out with the weather this August.  The sun's been shining and although the temperatures have been crisp anything beats the rain!  Saturday night we camped along Willow Creek and we were actually awake when it got dark.  It's been getting darker earlier and earlier.  Right now it's 9:40pm and the sun's gone which is by far the strangest feeling.  We have grown so accustomed to the light that you really notice the darkness.  The nice part is that I was able to get off 1 star trail photo before some clouds rolled it.  It's not the greatest one I've ever done but hey at least I got one!

The next day we drove over the summit of Hatcher Pass and stopped at Independence Mine and walked around the complex.  It was a very active mine that is now shut down but had an entire community at the site.  They had housing, a school and shops along with the actual mine itself.  It was a really pretty spot overlooking the valley.  After hanging out there for a while we moved on to the State Fair in Palmer.  On the way there we stopped off at the Musk Ox Farm.  None of us felt rich enough to pay the $8 entrance fee so we just popped our heads over the fence and got a quick gander at the arctic animals.

Then is was Fair time!  We pulled in and the first thing we did was check out the giant vegetables.  These things were HUGE!  Two cabbages at least 2.5 feet in diameter.  I took pictures which hopefully display their size.  I wonder how do you get your vegetables to grow that large?  What do you feed it?  Is it just luck of the draw?  And in Alaska no less!  They have such a short growing season the fact that they have the time to get it so big is impressive.  After that we wandered the booths looking for unique artists and souvenirs.  I was a bit disappointed in the limited number of local artists present.  There were tons of booths but it seemed for every 1 local artist there were 5 cheap import tents.  I still managed to spend all the cash I took out though, I know surprise surprise.  I treated myself to some classic fair food, corn dog, kettle corn, roasted corn on the cob and the most amazing berry lemonade ever!

I ended up walking away with a chinese hat (mostly for rain protection and possible halloween costume!), an alpacha sweater, stones for making necklaces out of and some fudge.  We were all tired and overwhelmed by the crowd.  It's really hard to go from Denali to a large city again.  We're not used to be pushed and stuck in masses of people.  I know that's going to be really hard to get used to again when I leave. 

We headed out of the fair to Knik lake were we camped in front of a bar.  Apparently that's the only public camping on the lake.  For the first part of the night we were treated to cars leaving, drunken karaoke and Harley's revving up.  Then on Monday we wandered around Wasilla for the morning while Steph and Alex's car got an oil change before we headed up the Houston, Alaska.  In Houston Alex fished for Salmon on the Little Susitna River.  He didn't end up catching anything but I enjoyed laying by the river and getting a little sun.  I also enjoyed taking photos next to the large ice cream cone at the general store.

We then headed back for Denali to try and make the Employee Appreciation Dinner which was also celebrating Christmas in the Park.  We arrived 10 minutes before it was over and I learned that I was chosen as Employee of the Month for the front desk!  That was a nice treat and I still have to figure out what I'm going to use my gift certificate for.

I've already posted all the photos for the Hatcher Pass/State Fair trip so you can check those out at this link.

For the last week I've been finishing up work, today was officially my last day of work. I am heading to Kantishna tomorrow on the bus for my last trip into the park.  The colors have just exploded here and I'm eager to get some more photos before I leave.  I'll leave Denali on Tuesday and head to Anchorage where I'll spend the night.  After that I'm going to Seward again for 2 days to kayak and hike before flying from Anchorage to Burbank on Thursday night.

This summer has just been amazing and crazy in so many ways.  I'm happy to be done with my job but so sad to have to say goodbye to these people.  They have been my saviors this summer in more ways than one.  My travel buddies have always kept things interesting and exciting.  My co-workers have done the same for the front desk.

I will post again from Seward and probably from Anchorage as well.  So keep checking out the photos and leaving comments! 

Updating the Update

Ok so I caught up on my photos, so please check them out and leave comments if you like anything.  It boosts my ego and I can never get enough of that! 

George's Visit

Dad's Visit

Denali Highway

Chena Hot Springs

Updates

Howdy Everyone!

Well i've got just two weeks left in Alaska and as much as I have loved this summer I'm getting ready to be done.  I think I've reached the end of my enjoyment of community living.  I'm so ready to not have to walk outside to go to the bathroom or worry about waking up the person sleeping below me.  I've gotten so much out of this summer and I still have a couple adventures left before I leave.

My visitor's have come to an end and I loved having both of them here.  We had great times and saw some great stuff.  I've uploaded some photos, I'm a bit behind right now but hopefully will be all caught up by this Saturday.  We're heading to the State Fair on Saturday afternoon and will be gone til Monday.  Monday the 25th will be Christmas in the Park which sounds like a lot of fun.  Here are the links to the latest photo uploads, I hope you enjoy!

Driving in the Park

Go to the last part of the set to see the latest uploads

Chena Hot Springs

George's Visit

What do you want out of life?

Well today brought an end to Dad's visit in Denali.  We had a great time together.  He arrived on the train on Thursday and as soon as I saw him I was in tears.  I can't help it, I'm Daddy's Little Girl through and through.  We had a great 4 days together, relaxing talking, getting out into the park and fishing.  It was raining the first full day he was here but then by God's grace Saturday cleared up and we had a GORGEOUS day in the park.  We saw lots of animals and hiked around the Eielson Visitor center in 4 inches of snow!  Dad got to see bears, moose, caribou, dall sheep, foxes and even 2 wolves!  Sunday the rain was back but it was perfect for fly fishing.  We both imporved our techniques and got a couple of strikes.  I think Dad enjoyed smoking his cigar with a fly rod in his hand more than anything else.  We also went to the dinner theater show here which was a lot of fun.  Earlier today we did the dog sled demo in the park and checked out the visitor's center before he got on the bus at 2:30 to head back to Anchorage.

It was so sad to see him leave.  I can't even tell you how nice it was to have a familiar face around.  We spent a lot of time discussing the next upcoming event, a visit from my ex-boyfriend.  He arrives on Wednesday and to be honest I'm completely conflicted about how I feel about it.  I know we'll have fun, cause we always do, I just don't know if I will get what I need out of it.  I've spent this summer trying to sort through the happenings and feelings of this past year.  Now I'm left knowing what I want and need but not sure I can get it from this relationship. 

The one thing I have wanted more than anything else in my life has been to fall in love with my best friend and find my partner in life.  I have been blessed to have been raised in a house with two people who still can't keep their hands off of each other.  They've showed both my brother and I how to be partners in life.  I guess I've been a late bloomer compared to most and have ended the most significant relationship of my life.  I don't know what the future holds for me, I wish I had some glimpse of what God wants for me, it would make this part so much easier.  I have faith that all will be for the best I just want to be done with the painful part.  I have learned how to laugh again and not take life too seriously this summer.  This past year has by far been the most painful and stressful I've endured since we moved to Minnesota in 6th grade. My sense of self and sense of humor are still intact and know they will remain so.

Life always throws you curve balls and never turns out how you planned it which is probably why you shouldn't plan your life to throughly.